MELLIPOP'S ONLINE DIAGNOSIS

Ok, so the situation in Perth re: doctors is obscene to a healthy Medicare-levy taxpayer like myself. Forget the trusty Medicare card as your ticket to free health care, in Perth DOCTORS EXPECT TO GET PAID! Cash exchanges hands. Then you have to line up with all the dirty unwashed at the Medicare office to get your piddly cash rebate, which generally doesn't cover the full cost of the consultation. Abso-fucking-lutely criminal! The government here should be BLOODY ASHAMED of themselves!

See, I go to the doctor only once or twice a year, for a total of about five minutes a pop while they write me out a new prescription for the pill, take my blood pressure and ask me when I had my last pap smear. And I lie to them and say that I've already had one this year so THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO POKE AROUND IN MY PINK BITS FOR THE SMEAR. That's what a $500 Medicare levy gets you. Ten minutes medical attention a year and the warm glow one invitably gets when they know their hard earned money is supporting the obese, the elderly, and the hypochondriacs that fill GP waiting rooms around the country everywhere.

Anyway, because I refuse to support the user-pays (and pays and pays) system currently in place here in Perth, I have been forced to go online for my diagnosis. Now most online diagnostic tools ask for your credit card number before they ask for your symptoms, so I had to resort to a veterinary website that was dishing out the good stuff for free. I mean, we're all freakin' mammals, right.

Now the first choice I had to make was whether I was a cat or a dog. Now I much prefer the nature of dogs as an animal, but alas, feel that I embody more of the characteristics of the feline species. Selfishness, laziness, moodiness, and arrogance. Plus I like being alone and generally enjoy taunting others with my superior cunning.

So the next category was to select which was the affected area: eyes, ears, anus etc. So I chose "internal", because migraines are fairly intangible monsters. From the list of symptoms I was able to select "Vomiting" and "Swollen Abdomen" (but I think that the last one is more the result of my early middle-age spread than my migraines).

Thankfully, it was not necessary to select "Worms (look like rice segments) near anus". Not this time, anyway.

So I clicked submit and the website gave me my diagnosis. Turns out, I have BABESIOSIS! So my migraines, it seems, are the inevitable result of my ass-kicking babe-licious good looks. IT'S NOW OFFICIAL - I AM SO GOOD-LOOKING IT HURTS!

Thankfully in humans, Babesiosis is generally not fatal. Besides the migraines and nausea, other symptoms I suffer from include: being constantly hit on by blokes in pubs, being stopped by photographers in the street begging me to pose for them, being harrassed constantly by the producers of reality TV show Search for a Supermodel, having men run up to me in the street with bunches of flowers in spontaneous displays of love-struck awe and simply being captivated by my own image every morning in the mirror. That's why good-looking people are always, late, you see. It's the Babesiosis.

I tell you, it's such a relief to finally be diagnosed...... I always felt so ABNORMAL. Now I know it's not my fault. It's just the Babesiosis.

In cat's however, Babesiosis is an entirely more serious health matter. And I quote:

Babesiosis is a disease transmitted by a certain species of ticks. It is a single cell parasite that attacks the red blood cells causing anemia. Some signs may include anemia, not eating, lethargy, high temp, vomiting, dehydration and jaundice. In some cases the spleen and liver may be enlarged. Your veterinarian can properly diagnosis this disease with an examination of the blood. Treatment is highly effective.
AREA: BLOOD DISEASES, MENTAL/BEHAVIOR, INTERNAL
SYMPTOMS: ANEMIA, NOT EATING, LETHARGY, HIGH TEMP, VOMITING, DEHYDRATION, JAUNDICE

Tough break, pussycats.

And tough break, Perth GPs. There's $50 you won't be getting from me.....