MELLIPOP HUMILIATES THE OLD AND BLIND

Ok, so I have a chronic case of "foot in mouth" disease. See, my problem is - I know everything. And I have this compulsive need to tell everyone that I know everything. Plus, I have to be a freakin' smart-arse ALL THE TIME because I have been TOUCHED BY THE HAND OF GOD and I am PERFECT.

Supermarkets are full of easy targets for the insufferably sarcastic like me. The aged, infirm, infant, mentally disabled. No one escapes my razor-sharp wit.

Yeah, ok so I mortified myself the other day. Walking down the bread aisle at my local supermarket during our weekly shop, my attention was momentarily distracted by a shrinkwrappped tray of six freshly baked iced-donuts for only $1.99. I mean, Donut King sell piddly-sized donuts for $1.10 each. I was in the midst of a guilt-ridden internal dialogue regarding said tray of donuts when it hits me. Literally. A shopping trolley. Driven by what appears to be an intoxicated elderly woman.

She subsequently issues a belated apology and weaves her way down the rest of the aisle. Having been horsewhipped into politeness at all costs by my parents, I replied, "That's OK, mate". Now, that should have been the end of it. I should have went back to the donuts and forgotten all about the searing pain in my left hip.

But no, I take the opportunity to make wise about potential lawsuits and the supermarket's responsibility to breath test geriatric customers before granting them the use of a shopping trolley. Forcibly restraining my partner so that he could witness the woman's difficulties navigating the aisle and thus appreciate the the full extent of my mean-spirited sarcasm. And laughing. And feeling like, yeah, I really zinged her good!

So anyway, I turned my attention back to the shopping list. Whizzing through the rest of the aisles with the finish line in sight, my partner had his head stuck in one of the frozen food freezers and I turned around from the ice cream cabinet to see that our serial collider was back for a bit more biffo. Her and her trolley were headed straight for my partner's round peachy buttocks, still jutting out from the freezer. With a wry smile on my face, I pointedly called out for him to watch out and pulled him back to safety by the waistband of his jeans.

It was only then, as she passed under my wry gaze, that I got a chance to get a look at her face. My first "oh fuck" realisation came when I saw her unfocused, UNSEEING eyes. My second "oh fuck" realisation came when I realised that in addition to pushing her trolley (which is a difficult enough chore on its own), the lady in question was also using a white cane at the same time.

Look, not one of my finest moments, I'm the first to admit that. I still can't help but wonder how many of my snarky comments she actually heard. I'm so wretched....