MELLIPOP GETS FUCH'D

Ok, so I had an amusing phone experience this afternoon. I’m working today and I have to make a call to a company called FUCHS LUBRICANTS. Yes. Fuchs Lubricants. Founded by a German bunch of Fuchs in 1931, according to their website.

So I’m trying to decipher just exactly how one would pronounce this correctly. Do I risk saying “FUCKS” and embarrass whoever picks up at the other end (and myself), or do I say “FOOKS” and risk looking like a uninformed dickhead.

Before I pick up the phone I carefully script what I am going to say, a conversation that completely excludes any mention of the business name in question. So I look on my sheet and it says I need to speak with Joe. And so I dial. The wrong number, as it turns out….

The conversation proceeds as follows:

MELLIPOP: Yeah, hi, this is Mellipop from Whatever Job Inc, I’d like to speak with Joe please.

JOEY (female voice) : Ok…Well I’m a Joe with a “y” on the end. I'm Joey. (sounds confused) What company are you calling for?

MELLIPOP: Umm…..

(Quickfire internal dialogue: FUCK!! I can’t say “FUCKS” because she’ll think this is a crank call or I’ll just look stupid for not knowing how to pronounce it correctly……Fuuuuck!!!! Shit!… What do I say…?)

MELLIPOP: Umm…yeah…..F….U…C…H…S.... Lubricants.

(Quickfire internal dialogue: Yeah, great idea Mellipop. SPELL it out really quickly. Coward!)

JOEY: Sorry, what company was that?

MELLIPOP: (Quickfire internal dialogue: FUCK!!!!!)

Umm…it says here…I think…Fooks Lubricants.

JOEY: No…..I think you’ve got the wrong number darl.

MELLIPOP: Right. Thanks. Sorry about that……

(Quickfire internal dialogue: FUCK!!! Now I have to make this same freakin' phone call all over again!)

Shaken and confused, I make the phone call again immediately. Dialled correctly this time. And was relieved to hear a perky receptionist at the other end of the line saying "FOOKS Lubricants, this is Kelly speaking, how may I help
you?".

For some reason, I felt an instant empathy with her. I really wanted to plead with Kelly to get out, for her own sake. I instantly envisaged all the lame-ass innuendo she would have to endure from the predominately male, mining, automotive and industrial lubricant clientele. And the horrible pick-up conversations she would be having in pubs.

DRUNK HORNY GUY: Yeah, so where do you work gorgeous?

KELLY: I work for Fuchs.

DRUNK HORNY GUY: (winking salaciously at his mates) Alright boys, I got me a little go'er here.....

And what about the fate of Kelly at parties. I mean, party conversations are generally excruciating. You circle the room, having the same basic conversation with everyone. Promptly forgotten. Ignoring the patronising questions from people who have better jobs than you do. Or who own their own house instead of renting. Imagine poor Kelly's plight....

NEW ACQUAINTANCE: Yes, I'm the national account manager at Clinique. Since I've taken over the role, we've increased overall market share by 20%. So what do you do, Sally?

KELLY: I'm a receptionist at Fuchs. And my name is Kelly.

NEW ACQUAINTANCE: Are you serious? You work at a place called Fuchs? That's so fucking hilarious! What does Fuchs do, Nelly?

KELLY: Lubricants. It's Kelly.

NEW AQUAINTANCE: Get out! Ha ha you are so yanking my chain right now Melly!

KELLY: No, I'm not. But say another word and I might just punch you in the twat.

I wanted to tell her that there is more to the world than working reception for a boring old lubricants manufacturer with a stupidly inapproriate name. That she can DO MUCH BETTER! That perky girls CAN DO ANYTHING! That she must GET OUT AT ALL COSTS!

But instead, I just asked to speak with Joe. Career counselling receptionists is not part of my job description.