MELLIPOP ON HER CHEMICAL-FREE SOAPBOX

Ok, so clearly having too much time on my hands, I’ve embarked on a domestic detox of sorts, to purge my household of the panopoly of toxic chemicals that appear in horrifying amounts in everything from toothpaste, face washes, household cleaners to grooming products. By all accounts, if this forthcoming blog post is any indication, I may also have purged myself of all humour. Bear with me on this one. I’m trying to be serious. Boring, I know.

The following is what inspired me on my latest Amish-lite quest - the list of ingredients in my daily facial cleanser.

Those without a Ph.D in Carcinogenic Chemicals and their Insidious Presence in Everyday Life may elect to skim over the following list of ingredients. Smartarses are advised not to make any smarmy mention in the comments field of my cigarette addiction. We’re all a complex tapestry of contradiction in our own unique way.

Ingredients: Water, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Sodium Chloride, Glycerin, Coco-glucoside, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Glyceryl Oleate, Sorbitol, Polysorbate 20, Panthenol, Dipopylene Glycol, Polyquaternium-10, Fragrance, Propylene Glycol, Peppermint Leaf Extract, Polyquaternium-39, Sodium Hydroxide, Green Tea Leaf Extract, Hydrolised Milk Protein, Disodium Phosphate, Limonene, Citric Acid, Alcohol, Magnesium Nitrate, Tris (Tetramethylhydroxypiperidinol) Citrate, Tetrasodium EDTA, Sodium Acetate, Mathylparaben, Isopropyl Alcohol, Ascrbyl Palmitate, Lecithin, Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Magnesium Chloride, Tocopherol, Propylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparaben, Isobutylparaben, Phenoxyethanol, Methylisothiazolinone, Hydrogenated Palm Glycerides Citrate, EDTA, Potassium Sorbate, CI 42090, CI 19140.

Phew…..Taking huge breath……

Not just scary the polysyllabic, indecipherable chemical names featured, but the sheer number of them certifiably freaks me out. I have a half-baked though intuitive theory that all of these food additives and chemicals are linked to unprecented rises in things like cancer, asthma, allergies, obesity and mental illnesses like depression and ADHD. Remember when we were kids? There was one token asthmatic and one token fat kid at school. Kids with allergies were kinda freakish. The opposite is now true. To be a skinny kid without a learning disability, behavioural syndrome, life-threatening allergy or respiratory illness is an unusual thing these days.

What the fuck is this all doing to my face, let alone my immune system, my cell biology, my fertility, my mental health? It sure as hell isn’t doing what it promised me on the packaging – “Oil Control” – so why the fuck am I slathering this chemical cocktail onto my still-oily ugly mug twice daily? And paying these fuckers for the privilege.

I’m sure the water is OK. The Sodium Laureth Sulfate is a suspected carcinogen. A quick census of my bathroom cupboard reveals that not only is SLS in my facial cleanser, it is also in my toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and putrid green bubble bath. I have no idea what the fuck anything else is, but I’m sure there will be no harm in removing things like Disodium Phosphate and Tetramethylhydroxypiperidinol Citrate from my grooming regime.

So I made my own facial scrub today. Natural yoghurt and oatmeal. My skin feels soft and smooth as all buggery, though I’ve yet to verify whether I actually smell like a tree-hugging vegan’s idea of the perfect low-GI breakfast. No doubt Anton will give me a brutally honest assessment when he gets home. Oh, just realised that vegans don’t eat yoghurt. Animal product and all… Fucking vegans. Ruin my metaphor, why don't you, ya lousy lettuce munchers?

I also made my own toothpaste with glycerine, baking soda, peppermint oil and salt. Despite the lack of a lathering agent (our good friend SLS conveniently catalyses “bubbles” in addition to it’s other delightful cancer causing properties), it tastes and feels just the same as normal toothpaste.

My first experiment took place a couple of weeks ago, when I decided to dispense with the humble household cleaner for a classic mix of vinegar, baking soda and water. It was nice to clean the bathroom without the head-spinning-sensation-of-wanting-to-faint-as-I-feel-my-chromosomes-mutating-in-real-time that I usually have to endure. Though I did have a wee (tee hee!) accident with the toilet cleaning recipe, which called for a mixture of baking soda and vinegar. I kind of suspected that the combination might be a little fizzy, but assumed that the recipe would have warned me of that beforehand.

So I’m standing at my computer, reading the recipe. Add baking soda to vinegar. Easy as fuck. So I did it and a minor explosion of vinegar and baking soda thus ensued. There still remains a haphazard stain on the carpet outlining the hot potato trail I blazed as I hopped, skipped and jumped my way to the bathroom in Olympic record-time. Though I’ve yet to discover the chemical-free recipe to effectively remove the aforementioned stain.

The best thing I’ve discovered about all this is that the recipes – in addition to being a natural alternative to harsh chemicals – are cheap, easy to source and easy to make. I’m far more lazy than I am zealous, for the most part, hence the “easy” factor is important here. But there’s also a refreshing sense of empowerment that comes with all of this: not buying into the megalithic corporate chemical wankathon; knowing exactly what goes into the products you use to clean your house and your fine self; and the beautiful simplicity of it all. Two common ingredients. Three common ingredients. Not 47 (I counted!) esoteric scientific chemical compounds.

Best of all is the liberating sense of “I made this!” that taps into our long-muted creative core as producers that still lies buried deep beneath the numbing apathy of the mindless consumers we’ve allowed ourselves to become. It’s like reclaiming a little bit of the pre-WW2, pre-consumer, pre-petrochemical pioneering spirit of women who have been making their own homemade lotions and potions for centuries, before the mega pharma and food companies colonised our self-efficacy by pumping out their production-line goodies and lining supermarket shelves with them. For our convenience.

Geez, that made for rather self-righteous, solemn and dull reading. First the poetry and now this. I think I’m in trouble. Oh well, it gives me a new topic to rant about at the pub anyway.