MELLIPOP FIGHTS THE GOOD FIGHT

Ok, so I’m REALLY fucking fired up tonight.

I’m trying to think of a word worse than “cunt”, but am struggling to think of something truly obscene. Mammoth-cunt, mega-cunt, exponential-cunt, infinity-cunt, infinity-times-infinity cunt?

However, none of these terms seem appropriate. The kind of rage I am feeling is – I presume – generally manifested outside the arena of language, and more in the arena of direct action. Something which would involve a chainsaw, perhaps. And a lot of someone else’s blood.

However, tonight’s post is not just a desperate expression of my impotent rage. It also stands as a cautionary tale to those of you who may be interested in self-improvement generally. Damn fools.

My succinct and (briefly) obscenity-devoid words of wisdom tonight - and I can’t stress this enough – are,

DO NOT EVER SIGN UP FOR A GYM MEMBERSHIP.

EVER!!!!

Unless, however, you happen to be a litigation fetishist who gets off on slapping on the Braveheart facepaint and going toe-to-toe with a "dodgy credit card fraud outfit disguised as a law-abiding health and fitness establishment" like the HEALTHY LIFE FITNESS CENTRE IN PEPPERMINT GROVE, WA.

So the battle rages, spanning both sides of our esteemed continent. At my long-distance phone call expense, of course.

A few pertinent details, now that I have expended some of my ancilliary rage.

So Anton and I signed up for a gym membership at the "dodgy credit card fraud outfit disguised as a law-abiding health and fitness establishment" aka the HEALTHY LIFE FITNESS CENTRE IN PEPPERMINT GROVE, WA, on September 6 2004. A mere three days after we landed in Perth. Enthusiastic, yes - sensible, no.

Our 12 month memberships should have expired on September 6 2005. I emailed and faxed the the gym on August 9, 2005 to advance written notice of our intention to cancel our membership. We also went into the gym to fill out their cancellation paperwork before we left WA on September 3.

We were assured that our cancellation would be processed and that no further payments would be debited to our credit cards after the expiry date. This was reinforced on a follow-up phone call I made when the promised phone call from the gym to confirm the cancellation was not forthcoming.

Since we have been in Sydney (a month) , three fortnighty payments ($50.45 a pop) have subsequently been debited to our credit cards (just in case we happened to be in the neighbourhood and felt like jumping on a treadmill, no doubt). The third illegal debit had been helpfully extracted even after I spoke with the “manager” Sarah after the second illegal payment was debited. Sarah promised to call me back but must have, ahem… “mislaid” my number. I’m sure she fully intended to sort everything out for us the first time we spoke.

But lo and behold, we get yet debited the third illegal installment of a gym membership that has already expired for a gym that is in the vicinity of 4000km away.

So I’m thinking that maybe I wasn’t clear enough the last time we cordially discussed the issue as mutually respectful adults.

As a result, I called the motherfuckers again tonight. Bad Mellicop this time, not Good Mellicop. And not just Bad Mellicop, but Bad-Mellicop-on-three-beers-Mellicop. Let me tell you, you don’t mess with THAT bitch.

So after more than a few angry “fucks”, allegations of “serious credit card fraud”, frothy-mouthed threats to make formal complaints to the "relevant authorities" and rabid threats of litigation, it apppears that we may have progress. (??) Though I’m not entirely sure… I was so venomously, bile-spittingly angry that it appears that I accidentally gave my mum’s home number as my contact number for Sarah to call back (oops!), instead of my new home number.

So my parents just called to say that they have had a phone call from sputtering Sarah saying that the payments will be fixed up – and they gave her my actual home number for her to call me (oops again!). Though I am still waiting for said call. Fucked if I am going to make yet a another long distance call to sort this shit out.

But it appears, at least, that we have progress.

And if it turns out that we don’t have any progress on the credit card fraud front, I’ll make yet another long distance phone call to the "dodgy credit card fraud outfit disguised as a law-abiding health and fitness establishment" aka the HEALTHY LIFE FITNESS CENTRE IN PEPPERMINT GROVE, WA. And I’ll be bringing out the “cunts” for this one. Unless I can feasibly come up with some greater as-yet-unestablished obscenity.

Though bar flying over to WA, wielding a rusty chainsaw and spilling some Healthy Life Fitness Centre taut n’ toned blood, I can’t think of anything more irascible than the ever-trusty expletive “cunt”.

Sigh….The limitations of language…..

Postcript: Sarah called back in the middle of dinner (eye fillet steak and stir-fried veg…mmm… the perks of being a butcher bitch again....). Contrite apologies offered, membership has been cancelled and she is going to "consult her managers” regarding the other illegal payments.

Fuckers.

And the moral of this long-winded and otherwise yawn-inducing story?

a) Don't sign your life and finances away to a gym. Be fat and unattractive instead.

b) Being obnoxious, offensive and obscene gets results.

c) Don’t fuck with bad Mellicop. She keeps all the pertinent paperwork in order. And is not afraid of slinging a few uncouth “fucks” around after a couple of tinnies of full strength, in addition to throwing around some vociferous yet empty threats of legal action. My brother-in-law-to-be is a lawyer. He’s in insurance law, but no-one needs to know that.

Mellipop 1, Fitness Fraud Motherfuckers 0.