MELLIPOP AND THE TERRORIST THREAT

Ok, so I found myself in the midst of a true-to-life terrorist threat today.

So I was at work this afternoon, going about my daily business in that courageous yet stoic way that people do when they live surrounded by the constant threat of terrorism. I work in a bona fide terrorist hot-spot, see.

Castle Hill - a north-western suburb of Sydney, for those of you fortunate enough to never have visited.

Castle Hill is the Christian "bible belt" of not only Sydney, but the Entire Continent Formally Known as Van Diemen's Land. Castle Hill is directly responsible for Hillsong, an allegedly "hip" new-school church of Christianity that breeds Stepford Adolescents toting "New Testament for Teens" Bibles and ripping Hillsong CDs with titles such as "God is in 'da House" to their iPods (umm...ok, so the real title is actually "God is in the House", but the former is marginally more humorous).

So it would raise no eyebrows were I to suggest that the mujadheen might want to blow the bugger to smithereens. I mean, fuck, even I want to blow the fucking joint to smithereens. The people in Castle Hill seriously annoy me. For example: one of my overly uptight customers came back to complain about me ONE WHOLE WEEK AFTER OUR TRANSACTION HAD OCCURED because I had the audacity to call her “mate” during said transaction. The boss (aka my father) was fairly unmoved by her complaint. I believe his reply was - and I quote - “Well, this IS Australia, love…”. Though what she thought of him calling her “love”, one can only guess.

Anyway, irritating customers aside, as mentioned before I was at the centre of a real-life terrorist threat today in the shopping centre where I work.

So I was serving a customer. She ordered 700 grams of veal schnitzel. After asking if it were cut fresh today - with an affirmative reply from the butcher - she still insisted that we cut more fresh for her because according to her the perfectly OK veal schnitzel on display looked “dark”. Being accustomed to the illogical, unreasonable and unfathomable demands of the general public, the young butcher cut and pounded fresh veal schnitzel for her without comment.

It was during this interval that my customer mentioned to me that she had just seen an “unaccompanied” green-bag over near the ATM machines, and insisted that we call security. I was utterly unmoved by both the situation and her request, with absolutely no intent of following up on it. I was far more bemused by her sincere belief that this was a potentially dangerous situation, and one deserving of anyone’s attention at all. Besides the senile senior citizen who left her loaf of bread, Sensodyne denture paste and Tena Lady pads in a Coles green bag beside the ATM machines around the corner in her haste to get down to the local RSL club so she could blow the last of her pension money on the pokies.

I mean firstly, this customer of mine had already proved herself to be an unreliable source of information. She was “alert, but not alarmed” by the state of our veal schnitzel. AND SHE WAS WRONG! It was a complete FALSE ALARM! The schnitzel on display was FRESHLY CUT! It was this overreaction that first led me to doubt the veracity of her terrorist-bomb-threat-in-Castle Hill claims.

Secondly, she had this weird lazy eye thing going on. Her left eyeball was completely out of whack with the right eyeball. If I’m going to phone a bomb threat through to centre security, I need to know that my sources are accurate. What if the senile, incontinent, denture-clad pensioner was in fact standing RIGHT NEXT TO the allegedly “unaccompanied” Green bag at the ATM machines, but my customers’ obvious visual impairment made it impossible for her to process both stimuli simultaneously. It was essential that I required another verifying witness before acting. Or possibly an actual explosion.

Thirdly, my customer did not consider this information vital or urgent enough to report before she ordered her 700 grams of freshly-cut veal schnitzel.

And forth and most importantly, my customer totally reeked of that pompous air of self-importance characteristic of those who like to “dob in a dole cheat”, pen long-winded "letters to the editor" complaining about the miserable state of the public health system and gleefully bring to light the various and sundry shortcomings of others in everyday conversation. Like the “class snitch” in high school, or those crotchety old pensioners with so much time on their hands yet so little to whinge about, this woman was one of those types who just wanted to feel important by “reporting” SOMETHING. ANYTHING. NOTHING.

So I didn’t bother calling in the potential Al Qaeda Coles green bag threat to security today. That may indeed make me a loathsome and irresponsible citizen. I simply refuse to buy into the cacophonous “impending threat of our immediate annhiliation from terrorists AT ANY SECOND NOW” scaremongering chorus led by our government and media, just because some stupid bogan left their shopping behind.

Oh, and if you hadn’t already guessed, everyone in the shopping centre emerged with all their limbs and organs still intact. Though I don’t know whether that old pensioner got her groceries back. Maybe I should have just turned the mysterious green bag into the "Lost and Found" at Centre Management instead.