MELLIPOP, MORMONS AND NIRVANA

Ok, so in lieu of blowing more of "The Sydney Fund" at my local JB Hi Fi Store today, I decided to turn to a cheaper source of stroking my musical mojo. Ok, so weird obsessive habit number one: I like to go on-line at Amazon.com to read the CD reviews posted by my fellow wacky music-nuts. Please don't let that make you think I'm odd.

I found a good'un today. A review of Nirvana's Nevermind. With the intriguing title of "Suicide is a One-Way Ticket To Hell", the following one-star review was posted by one James H. Richardson "Good James" (his non-ironic pseudonym, not mine) of Utah.

Nirvana is known by most as a revolutionary band which changed the music scene single handedly with their monster major-label debut "Nevermind" on David Geffen. I had just finished my Mormon mission when these guys came out, and I can remember nothing but madness coming from Cobain's mouth.

With dire interest into Cobain's life, I picked up a book about him. I was shocked and horrified at what he thought his life was like. He was a political aristocrat? A feminist? A God-hating fool with no direction? Stunned at what I had read, I felt compelled to write something about these guys.

Feminism and related God-hating practices are not the way to go about life. Family Values and Righteous Church-going is what keeps today's society alive, not crazy Liberal messages of hate and disgust. On top of all this, he committed suicide on April 5 of 1994, as most Nirvana fans recall. This is how to go to hell the quickest, commit suicide.

To help prevent this, I suggest you attend the church of latter-day saints to help you get a grip on life and find out more about God and his plans for you.

P.S. In no way am I affiliated with "Prophet Gordon". I assume this man is a fake and trying to give the Mormon church a bad name. I wrote this review in hopes that you will change your mind about Mormons and that we are not a bunch of abusive weirdos.

Yes but James, more importantly - did you mosh to it? I mean, you at least gave the album ONE star. What was that one star for? There's no mention of at all of Nirvana's music or lyrics here. I mean, you DID listen to the album, didn't you? God won't send you to hell for that, you know. Or do you think that the second quickest way to go to hell (after suicide, as you mentioned) is to listen to grunge rock. Feminist, liberal, hate-mongering, anti-family values grunge rock. I'm sure God wouldn't send you to hell if you claimed it under the guise of "research". I mean, he's pretty fair, God is.

And tell me James, why have you chosen this unlikely forum in which to spout your Family Values and Righteous Church-going anyway? Are you trying to get to "the kids"? And more importantly, why have you chosen to incorrectly capitalise those which are not proper nouns? Not a good example to set "the kids". Did you receive an education James? One that did not involve being sodomised by some mountain-bike riding doorknocker with the prefix "Elder". I think maybe you need to give your God a miss for while so you can bone up on your Grammar instead.

Here's a thought. Did you maybe think that people reading this review are more interested in Kurt Cobain than this "Prophet Gordon", whoever the fuck he is. Was he in a band too? Did he have a flannelette shirt and a cult following in the Seattle area? Or was he from the underground rock scene in Utah? Did he hate himself and want to die? Did he marry a junkie ex-stripper and blow his head off with a shotgun? Did he change the face of rock n' roll forever? You said he's a fake, right. Is he just another major-label sell-out? Holy shit, he's not the lead singer from Bush is he? You know, the one who's married to Gwen Stefani. Man I hate that talentless fuck. You're right, he IS a fucking fake.

I mean, and what could ever make YOU think that WE think you guys are just a bunch of religious freak "weirdos"? C'mon! You're Mormons - you rock! We love it when you guys come knocking. Especially now that I know that YOU know what God's plans are for me. Be seeing you in the mosh pit buddy. Be sure to catch my soul while I'm crowd surfing. And keep your fucking hands away from my crotch.