MELLIPOP LOVES NETBANK
Ok, so I must commend the Commonwealth Bank on their “new and improved” NetBanking website.
It seems as though I’ll now have time to post lengthy erudite blog entries in between waiting for each and every transaction to load, as it now takes three times longer to actually do anything. Brilliant.
So far I’ve clocked about forty minutes (and counting) to pay three bills.
I’m quite thrilled, really. It also allows me to take time out from my hectic schedule to stare intently into a hand mirror and witness the evolution of my crows feet, in real time. Or I could squat over the darn thing and spend some quality time getting to know my snatch. Either way, it gives new meaning to the phrase “a wrinkle in time saves ninety minutes waiting on Netbank”.
Alternatively, if I’m feeing particularly Zen-like, it gives me the option of simply staring blankly into the tantalising white space that promises me that my bill payments are “loading”, but without reassuring me that anything is actually taking place.
Oh, wait a second. Maybe things aren’t what they seem.
I’ve just received this curt message – having been ruthlessly hurled out of my own account - which promises me that at least some level of mysterious intelligence is at work.
For security reasons, your NetBank session has been terminated as a result of being inactive for a period of time. You will be redirected to the logon screen. To continue using NetBank, please logon again.
Hey! No fair! I’ve been very active. I’ve managed to do the dishes, write a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, plant a vegie patch and paint the back fence. And all this whilst squatting over a hand mirror! The only thing I haven't done is pay these fucking bills.
So what have YOU been doing, Netbank?
You’re looking out for me, right? I’m being protected. So why don’t I feel secure in this relationship?
So I’ve logged on again like you asked me to, and am staring at this fucking white space again. “Loading”. Right. “Freeloading”, more like. You’re just messing with me now. Don’t think I don’t know it.
Didn’t you make record profits last year? Have you invested it all in internet porn? Did you blow it all on cheap hookers and cocaine?
I’m still waiting, by the way.
I’m not a girl who copes well with rejection. I trusted you, man. I logged back on, just like you asked me to.
Why are you doing this to me?
Are my accounts too small? Is my credit card debt too big? Are you seeing someone else? Is this all just a game to you?
You’re really important to me – I really want this to work. Talk to me. Why do you have to be so darn unresponsive? Look, I just don’t know if I can trust you. Relationships like this just can’t work without mutual trust. Just give me a fucking sign, man.
Look, I’m going to try one more time. Please don’t kick me out again.
Ten minutes later…..
Fuck. I just got rejected again.
For security reasons, your NetBank session has been terminated as a result of being inactive for a period of time. You will be redirected to the logon screen. To continue using NetBank, please logon again.
Don’t do this to me, man. Do you want me to beg, is that it? Or are you just playing hard-to-get? If you want me to fuck off, just tell me man. Fuck all this game-playing shit.
Look, I can’t do it. I just can’t cope with another rejection. Surely there are others out there. Ones who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I mean, what have I done to deserve this level of contempt? Please Netbank, don’t shut me out. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on with you. I promise I won’t get mad.
You promised me “over 20 new improvements”. Do you think that you’re too good for me now, is that it? I’m trying, man. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m doing it for you, man. I’m fucking doing it for you…
God, I hope you’re not cheating on me, Netbank. Those transactions happened, didn’t they? Please tell me they did. I need to know.
Fuck – you’ve just kicked me out again. I guess this is the end, then. Is it? Look, just tell me. I want the truth. I have dignity, you know. I won’t be crawling back to you again - not today, anyway. Ok look, let me know when things are cool with you, and we can talk. Yeah? We’ve really got to talk about this.
I need you, man…. I really do…. Don’t let it end like this….
posted by Mel @ 5:11 PM
14 Comments:
It sounds like my relationship with my last bank. Before I knew it I spending my Friday nights at a sleazy building society and jamming my Medicare card into random ATMs. Anything to prove I was still a valued customer...
Do you have a the same kind of relationship with your toothbrush?
I'm actually rather quite promiscuous when it comes to toothbrushes. I take the hippy free-love approach. If it's there, I'm gonna use it. Some say that's bad manners. People can be very prudish when it come to things like that....
There is very little in life worse than getting the message that you've been booted off the www because there has been no action on your part for x minutes when you know you've only been waiting for the site to DO SOMETHING! Take heart Melli, I used Netbank just now and it was ok, maybe there was a glitch in the lines the night you used it.
Were you talking about me with the 'Blowing millions on hookers and cocaine' thing?
what about people screwing in your bed - or vice versa? I know some poeple who'd feel liked you raped them if you entered their bed with carnal intent.
Now, if your 'OK' with the toothbrush but 'no way' with the bed, what does that say? I mean, you don't stick you bed in you mouth every morning, do you?
'i know some people who'd think you raped them if you entered their bed with carnal intent.'
I just re-read my post - it's kind of unclear. I meant if you entered your friend's bed with another person and had sex in it while your friend was not in the house.
Ha ha lighterate.... Still no clearer buddy!
But I guess it's all just bodily fluids really....
Roguemaze....if the shoe fits...;)
ah fuck it there was a good point, all the same, somewhere there.
I just want to meet a person who says 'OK, here's the keys to my pad, you can use my toothbrush, but don't fuck on my bed.'
you're right, it is all bodily fluid.
That's funny, netbank made the same promises to me... and then dumped me just as quick!!
Is the shoe a 9 and a half??
It sounds like user error.
\\you can use my toothbrush, but don't fuck on my bed\\
Okay, but if someone fucks in my bathroom I'm changing my toothbrush. And towels.
Hi Mel,
Okay, it sounds like things may be coming "undone" in this banking relationship.
There will be a natural grieving period. You will spend some sleepless nights reading over old bank statements - remembering the good times. Perhaps you will ring the banks' main number to make random numerical selections - just to hear its voice.
But you have to snap out of it Mel! See other banks. Open various nominal accounts with several banks. Financially slut around! Anything to get your mind off of "The One."
Crow's feet, schmoz feet - you look great! At least you're not getting a wobbly chicken neck and hairy ears! I swear, in a few years I'm gonna look like a cross between a chook and a koala! *Age - something new and more disgusting every day!*
Australian banks! Where's Jesse James when you need him!!
Cheers,
Mike
Mike <=== Chookoala?
LOL
Mike
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