FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: THE MELLIPOP WEDDING

Ok, so it turns out that people have a lot of questions for you when they find out you're getting married. Here are the answers to some of the most frequently asked questions I have encountered so far.

1. Are you pregnant?

No.

As far as I can tell, I’ve broken a long-standing family tradition – the shotgun wedding. At least I can be sure that Anton really wants to marry me, and that’s he’s not just "doing the right thing” because he fucked up by knocking me up. Damn fool.

2. So, when’s the big day?

I. DON’T. KNOW.

I’m thinking of having t-shirts made up.

3. Where will you get married?

Just to dispel any rumours to the contrary, it WILL be in Sydney, at an as yet to be determined location. Otherwise if it were a WA wedding it would just be me, Anton and the dogs present. Tonka would have to give me away and Manche would have to stand-in as the beaming mother-of-the-bride. Rest assured that I’m not going to be one of those Bridezillas who expect everyone to pack up and travel interstate for the festivities.

4. Will it be a big wedding?

God I hope not. Anton and I both have large families – his Greek, mine white trash.

Though it might have to be a big wedding, for purely financial reasons. I mean, you've seen how much of our shit the dogs have destroyed. A new bed and a new couch will definitely be on the registry list, for any interested parties with the disposable income to spare. Those of you on a more modest income can chip in for a new pair of slippers.

5. Will you change your name?

Hell no. I really like my surname – it’s unique and somewhat poetic. There are only about 11 of us in the whole country - just my family. If I were a “Smith” or a “Jones” I might have considered it. And there will be no hyphenating for this Little Miss Mellipop either.

Having just spoken to my horrified mother, the fraught question of baby names has been raised. When I have children, I want them to maintain my surname (and yes, I realise that this will be subject to some debate). The reason for this is that my family name will die out in this country if I don’t, as my only sibling has two female children and a vasectomy.

A long-standing joke between Anton and I is the names I have chosen for my firstborn girl. I really like the name Serena. His mum’s name is “Reni” (pronounced “Reenie”), which I would choose for a middle name (for the hilarity factor rather than the tribute factor). If I were to have a girl, it would thus be be Serena Reni S*****. Folks that know me may find that hysterically funny. Apologies for the in-joke to those who don’t know my surname – I’m not going to reveal it here as it will make it far too easy for internet stalkers and other assorted weirdos to track me down if they happen to feel that way inclined.

6. Who will be in the bridal party?

I noticed that this topic has generated some interest in the previous comments field. For the record, I’ve had my “bridesmaids” picked out for years. They are all blokes who I have been best mates with for longer than is sensible (kudos to you, boys!). And I’m pretty sure that I have already had drunken conversations with all of them, with words to that effect. Well guys, whaddaya know, I was serious.

BRIDESMAIDS

(in alpha order) Barry, Nick, Pete and Tarun.

Depending on the size of the wedding of course, if they are not my bridesmaids in the traditional sense, they will be in the spiritual and symbolic sense. Though I’m thinking that I’d like to see them all in apricot satin and tulle gowns, with big puffy sleeves.

FLOWERGIRLS

Busty and Graham

I’ve pencilled my two favourite warehouse bitches in for this job. But be warned fellas, you might need to fight my two nieces for this plum job. Respective ages 5 and 2. But they are both absolutely terrified of Comanche and Tonka, so you might just be in luck.

RINGBEARERS

Tonka and Comanche – this is Anton’s idea, not mine. And I believe he is serious….

7. Are you going to embark on a wedding day crash diet so that you can shed half your body weight to fit into an expensive white dress you will only ever wear once?

Yes.

8. Who will be looking after the dogs when you go on your honeymoon?

That’s yet to be decided. My greatest fear is that Anton will insist that they both come along. He really loves those dogs. It could be our first official marital spat.

9. Can I look after your dogs while you go on your honeymoon?

We’re expecting to be flooded with offers. Interested parties should submit their CV’s and the names of three references to Anton’s email address – no phone calls, please. You will be duly informed if you have been selected for the shortlist, at which point you will then be invited to interview for the position.

Proposal post and picture of my ring to follow (cue tacky joke...). Apologies for boring you all shitless. Mellipop will resume as normal very shortly. Don't think that this marriage caper is going to mellow me out.