LORD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?
THIS is gonna fucking cost me. Those motherfucking dogs have ripped up the lino. As such, we'll need to have the whole motherfucker re-laid. Now we're talking a fairly expansive area not just limited to the kitchen, but the dining room and both passageways to the laundry and bathroom as well.
Christ - I truly have no clue what the fuck lino costs. I guess it's somewhat more costly and involved than using Con-tact to line the inside of your cupboards. And I don't envisage that such a hideous design could still possibly be in production. Fuck!
Plus I left my cigarettes at work. And there is no beer in the house to calm me down. And if I leave the house again, I'm afraid that they'll eat through one of the walls in my absence.
And, more ironically still, I have no-one to rant to on the phone. Anton's mobile goes straight to voicemail and I keep getting my parent's answering machine. Those two aren't fooling me. I lived with them both for 18 years - I know their exact, unswerving evening routines. No - I know exactly what this is. I'm being fucking screened!
Alright God - you win today. Check-fucking-mate.
posted by Mel @ 4:27 PM
11 Comments:
Oh Mel... lets get you guys home. I say we start a Sydney fund that EVERYONE can pitch in to, whatcha think?
Aimz xx
mel... methinks you need to invest in some dog training... either that or a bazooka :) oops! don't tell anton i said that!!
kc
Mel...my suggestions is keep the f____ers out of the house!!! and always, always have a spare fag and bottle of wine hidden, for canine emergencies like this.
COME HOME!!!!!
Adele x
Ohmigod! Don't you have a backyard? These monsters are blighting your life bigtime!
......was it you or Anton that originally wanted a staffy???....and where did you get the idea to get two so that they could egg each other on????.....*shakes head*......maybe you could go on A Current Affair and show all of Australia what damage they do...at least they would pay you for the story!! :).....hang in there Mellipop
..so who's the Master of the house now?
Do yourself a favour and if kids are what you want, shagg your damn life away! but those freakin' monsters are not only destroying your home but denting your wallet!!
I don't think coming back home is what you need... I think you need a holiday from those F#@kers!
Giv'em away! to anyone! and throw in a package deal.. eg.
Monster give away:
They bark, eat, shit, and little sleep, will chew through home, floorboards, furniture and light fittings, free to a good home and will throw in boyfriend.
Legit giveaway.
Owner needs freedom and to run back to motherland min 5000 kms away or anywhere far from here!.....
Ps: Sorry Anthony :p
Ha ha - hey you guys, whatever happened to unconditional love?
....unconditional love is one thing but it is two way street and me thinks they aren't giving you enough love/financial assistance in return to justify your tolerance :)
Dear Mel,
Whoooooooweeeeeee!!! Aren't we the silent sufferer at work!! You didn't say a word about all this during our brief "smoke-o." I don't blame you . . . I'm the same way. If it's trivial, I'll whinge like a little bitch. If it's big, I clam-up and have to resort to anatomically correct hand puppets to communicate.
Okay, handyman advice *making ape-like grunts* Go to Bunnings with a broken tile. Wonder through the the acres of incredible tools and devices, fighting the "impulse buying urge," and find yourself an adolescent girl in a Bunnings vest who wouldn't know a wench from a wrench. Ask where the tiles are anyway, otherwise you're condescending or *worst case* misogynous. She'll say something like, "Ooooo I think tiles are by the mulching mowers," and point you in a westerly direction. Break-down and pick up a gallon of citronella tiki torch oil at $1.57 (later finding you don't even have a tiki torch.)
You will need the following:
1) Hammer.
2) Chisel.
3) Tiles.
4) Adhesive Tile Compound (ATC) *grunting wildly and slapping back*
5) Maybe a hack saw.
Now, you will have to walk appx. 7.8 Km. to find all of these things - sqinting into the stark flourescence looking for the word "tile" (meanwhile, picking up a combination screwdriver/assorted cookware set.)
Fnally, you will give up and ask a grumpy looking retiree in a Bunnings vest where the tiles are. He will say, "Files? I think they are over somewhere near the mulching mowers."
When you get to the point where you feel God has not only forsaken you, but has resorted to stalking you in a hostile manner - you will find tiles *harp music*
On the way to the check-out you will pass the "Poochie Paw Cuffs" *don't leave home without them! Two for $1.57!!*
I think they are next to the mulching mowers.
; )
Mike
Ha ha oh my god!!!
Bunnings Warehouse is my MOST HATED place on earth!!!
Miles and miles and miles of alien boy accoutrements and scary paternal grey-hairs who have this superior air of "Secret Men's Business" about them. Looking down their red-veined bulbous noses at me like I don't even know how to use a hammer (I don't, 'tis true, but it still doesn't give them the right to look at me that way).
And all these wannabe handymen scurrying around "ooh'ing and aah'ing" over drill bits and hinges, while their long-suffering women drag their feet and shuffle around with a glazed look of abject boredom in their eyes.
I always get in trouble for doing that.
The only thing I like about the place is the sausage sizzle - but even that is a double-edged sword (aisle 8), because then I get the inevitable "fat guilt" to top off the obscene tediousness of it all.
I so fucking hate Bunnings.
it sounds to me like your Bunnings experience is the flipside of most men's "girlfriend's underwear shopping" expeditions.
With regard to the lino - it looks like there are wooden floorboards underneath, in that photo. It might be worth getting a price to have them polished and varnished. They'd look great and be indestructable to staffies. Wooden floorboards add value to a house, are cool in summer, chilly in winter, and remind you how fucked you'd be if your house caught fire.
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