MELLIPOP’S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING MEN

Ok, so I travel on the train a lot. Being the book snob that I am, I like to peek around to see what other people are reading. My many years of observation have culminated in the grand thesis as follows, which I have chosen to share with you now, friends of Mellipop.

I like to fancy that I know a fair bit about books, and a fair bit about men. So the following is a guide to men, based on their literary preferences. If I can save just one woman, it will all have been worth it…

Boys : Beware Falling Objects. A sense of humour is to be worn at all times.

SCIENCE FICTION – A sure sign of stunted adolescence. This one has the body of a man with all the emotional intelligence, social skills and sex life of a 13 year old boy. Will bore you to tears with conspiracy theories and arguments for the existence of extraterrestrial life. No woman truly takes them seriously, which doesn’t matter because most of them seem to prefer the company of their fellow Sci-Fi fellas anyway, debating the sexual merits of Buffy vs Xena, watching old Star Trek DVDs and playing X-box games with semi-naked pseudo-women in them. Much safer the CGI fantasy than the real thing.

HORROR – Closet sociopath. Possible serial killer. Probably has a death row pen-pal or buys John Wayne Gacy’s artwork on e-Bay. Most likely tortured small animals as a child. You have been warned.

NON-FICTION – Ladies, what you have here is an insufferable know-it-all. Conversations will be littered with random and uninteresting facts about aeronautical engineering, the cultural significance of Renaissance-era art and the mating habits of Madagascan turtles. This one is a trivia addict, who will battle with you mercilessly on every possible occasion to grandstand his superior intellect and constantly irritate you with his self-sure posturing. Knows facts but doesn’t actually know anything about life.

LITERARY FICTION – The guy who reads books by authors whose names he can’t actually pronounce correctly and thinks that makes him look really quite clever and learned. Quite likely an aspiring writer with little or no actual talent who harbours a deep-seated bitterness that the world has yet to worship at the altar of his undiscovered genius. Alternatively he is a university undergraduate with a superiority complex, a mammoth HECS debt and a useless Arts degree. Generally an absolute wanker in all cases.

FEMINIST THEORY – This guy holds himself superior to the rest of his misogynistic, domineering gender. Believes he empathises with the eternal struggle of womanhood and prefers the company of women. Renounces his male desire as a weapon of female oppression and chooses only to sleep with ugly but intelligent women. But the “sisterhood” actually hold him in contempt for his patronising pseudo-solidarity, and men just want to punch him out for being both a soft-cock and a traitor to the almighty testicle.

SELF-HELP – Any man reading self-help literature sounds massive alarm bells, and is not to be dated for any reason (suicidal loneliness and/or lengthy periods of involuntary celibacy are not a loophole here). This is a man who is desolate enough to freely advertise in public that fact that he has either a) severe psychological or emotional problems b) substance abuse issues and/or c) the inability to commit himself to a functional, healthy relationship. Some advice ladies, before you think otherwise. NO – you CANNOT save this man!

POETRY/PHILOSOPHY – This guy is not the rare and precious jewel you may think. He is neither caring, sensitive, profound or romantic. More likely, this man has deep-seated emotional problems and a whopping case of clinical depression, which he staunchly refuses to medicate with pharmaceuticals and/or intense therapy (though is most probably a heavy pot-smoker). He proudly displays his existential angst and pain like military medals for courage in the midst of battle. Though in most cases, his only “battle” is summoning the effort to get up and out of bed each day. Not before 2pm in the afternoon, anyway.

ROMANCE – Most likely same-sex oriented. Or a mummy’s boy with a crippling Oedipal complex. Either way, you’ll never be enough to satisfy him.

PORN – Now, whether they will admit it or not, all men harbour a healthy interest in porn. And there’s nothing at all wrong with that. Men like looking at naked women. The trick is to diagnose those with an “unhealthy” interest in porn. How does one determine this? Suffice to say that any man reading porn in public can safely be said to fall under that category. Another sure fire way to gauge the extent of any man’s obsession with porn is to check his hard drive. Anything more than 40GB will probably do it. But truth be told, it’s a judgement call that every woman has to make for herself.

BIOGRAPHIES – This guy doesn’t actually have a life of his own, so devours biographies to live vicariously through the experiences of others. He is dull, unimaginative, paralysed by the fear of failure and most likely still lives with his parents, as he continues to lead his unassuming life without having the slightest impact on anyone or anything around him. As a living study in mediocrity he will exist, he will die and he will be promptly forgotten as a minor blip in the evolution of man, having contributed nothing to society or culture.

INVESTMENT/FINANCE – This man doesn’t actually have any money. He is probably drowning in debt, or may even be legally bankrupt. Alternatively, he has a lot of money, but rest assured, he won’t be spending it on you. If you don’t mind dating a man who insists you pay for everything (or at least half of everything), tightly monitors every cent he spends and scrutinises supermarket dockets for errors so he can get the cost of that tin of baked beans deducted from the final total, well then, hey, who am I to tell you not to date him.

THE BIBLE – Without doubt a religious fundamentalist. Or one of those new-school “hip” Christian-types who will take you to Hillsong on your first date. Probably still a virgin. You won’t see any action from this guy until your union has been consecrated under the eyes of God. And then he’ll be absolutely useless in bed of course, because there hasn’t already been a succession of long-suffering women to break him in sexually. Beware the guy with a copy of The Watchtower, unless you’ve been shopping around for a cult to fall into. He probably only wants you for your soul, anyway.

THE DA VINCI CODE – This is the man who reads one book a year, and secretly wishes that the movie version would finally appear in cinemas, so then he wouldn’t have to waste so much of his time and effort boning up on the latest mega cultural-phenomenon that everyone else is talking about. The kind of guy who watches A Current Affair, reads tabloid newspapers and thinks he is suitably informed about the world around him. Because that’s all he wants to know.

COMPUTING/IT BOOKS – This guy isn’t reading. He’s simply up-skilling. Books are SO last millenium. Speaks in html code rather than the Queen’s English. Life begins and ends within the narrow confines of his hard drive and broadband connection and your entire relationship will most likely take place on-line. At least you won’t have to shave your legs as often as you would if you were in a real-world physical relationship. Plus, you can pretend that he looks like Johnny Depp, instead of the unsightly little weed or overweight slob he really is.

Geez…. think I need to take another month off after that effort. I’m going now. I can’t be arsed tying things up here any more creatively than that. I did promise quantity and - goddammit - I’ve delivered!