MEATLOAF: THE REVIEW

Ok, so I mentioned briefly in an earlier lacklustre post that in response to my “Mistaken For a Meatloaf Fan” incident with the ironic t-shirt, my darling mother saw fit to post me Meatloaf’s Greatest Hits CD from the East Coast. A review is in order.

So I load the darn thing onto Mrs Mac and my first instance of mortification comes from the fact that Track 1 – Bat Out of Hell (Live) - runs a mere 10 minutes 49 seconds in length. Talk about leaving you wanting more. Ten tracks more, as is the case. Each running an average of 7 or 8 minutes in length. Apparently this is a selling point. According to the sleevenotes “This also makes them good value in pub juke-boxes”.

There’s a tip for all aspiring pub DJs. Pound for pound and pence for pence, you’re always better off betting on Meatloaf, than say, that fourth successive spin of Khe Sahn by Cold Chisel (P.S. Now label me a Genuine Certified Bogan, but I fucking LOVE that song).

Now, as tiresomely lengthy and overblown as the actual songs are, they are similarly christened with tiresomely lengthy and overblown titles - so long, in fact, that they even include their own fucking footnotes in brackets. The track names are so tantalisingly easy to parody that I am tempted to avoid even making the joke. But not quite that tempted. I am still in the midst of a deadening creative slump, you see.

So...

“Midnight at the Lost and Found” becomes “Meatloaf CD at the Lost and Found”.

and...

“Life is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back” becomes “This Meatloaf CD is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back”.

Boom boom.

It’s just far too painfully obvious to be even remotely funny, even in a Daryl Somers-Hey Hey kind of a way. I do realise that.

My favourite track on the whole CD is called “Runnin’ For the Red Light (I Gotta Life)”. It is my favourite song on the album, for two simple reasons:

1) At 3:58 it is the SHORTEST track on the CD
2) At Track 11, it is the LAST track on the CD

I am also quite fond of the obseqious sleevenotes, which make oft-hilarious statements like “For some reason, Meatloaf’s albums went into a bit of a decline” and “Tours and TV work kept our hero busy for a few years”. In addition to his ground-breaking role as “Dennis the Bus Driver” in the Spice Girls movie, according to Mr Hack Hagiographic Sleevenote Writer.

I mean essentially, it’s a pretty crappy selection of tracks. It doesn’t even have that song I ALMOST like in a non-ironic way. The one that goes “You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth (Must Have Been Why You Were Kissing Me)”.

Fuck! While typing out that last overlong song title, I just came to a scary realisation. Meatloaf and Mellipop both share a love for the smarmy bracketed-comment, in our vain attempts to be witty. And we also share an irritating penchant for over-worded tautology (Fuck! That was a tautology! Double fuck!! Where did that fucking bracket come from!?!)

Could it be that I am the blogging equivalent of Meatloaf?