MELLIPOP’S VALENTINE’S DAY EXTRAVAGANZA
Ok, so Anton (aka the High Priest of Romance) went all-out for Valentine’s Day this year. A word of warning ladies, before you read on. You may well be in danger of choking on your envy. Or your hysteria.
So Valentine’s Day Anton-style goes something like this. Forget those boring old romantic cliches like long-stemmed roses, exquisite Belgian chocolates and expensive seafood dinners lit by candlelight and the warm inner-glow of fine French champagne.
Oh no.
Your narrator and resident goddess Mellipop has been the ecstatic recipient of far greater fineries this enchanted eve.
We’re talking a pot plant, two family-size blocks of Cadbury’s chocolate and home-made Burritos washed down with a bottle of Solo, with Fear Factor on Channel 10 for mood lighting and two salivating Staffordshire Bull Terriers at my feet.
Yes ladies, you heard correctly. Just in case you were blown away by the unspeakable extravagance of such sweeping romantic gestures, I’ll reiterate the finer detail.
A Pot Plant : My High Priest of Romance - being the archetypal Taurean - is nothing if not pragmatic. Whereas a bunch of 12 long-stemmed roses would inevitaby wither and die in a matter of days, sweet Anton thought it wiser to buy my blooms with the roots still attached. Little does he know that no doubt the poor thing will endure a far more prolonged suffering before it hits the compost heap, if my recidivist history of torturing house plants with sheer neglect is anything to go by.
Two Family-Sized Blocks of Cadbury Chocolate : Snack and good old-fashioned Dairy Milk. A glass and a half of sheer boredom in every block. No hazelnuts, honeycomb or nougat for this little Miss Mellipop. Does this mean I’ve been bad? Or that my last years’ contribution to the relationship has been both pedestrian and unimaginative. Do I not at least deserve Lindt? Or could it be that I am not quite as special as I think I am?
Home-Made Burritos : Now I do have to admit, I’m far more keen on Old El Paso than El Slimy Oysters, and I am a right finickity-snitch when it comes to eating fish. Ok, so I have, on occasion, thrown petulant tantrums upon the slightest hint of cartilage in amongst the fillet. Who else could almost choke on a bone in a fucking Trout Carpaccio? The darn thing was the size of a dinosaur bone, impossibly concealed in amongst the microscopic slivers of raw tasteless flesh on that death trap of a plate. Anyway, I think maybe burritos are underestimated amongst the edible aphrodisiacs. I mean, they are kinda phallic, I guess. And I heard somewhere that “burrito” means “stick it to me baby” in Mexican.
Two Salivating Staffordshire Bull Terriers : No, we ain’t talking some impossibly sick and twisted form of bestiality here. Indeed, the truth is far less exotic. It’s like having kids with tails and sharp teeth. Plus, the constant threat of copping a headbutt is a pretty effective romance-killer.
The bar has been set pretty high now fellas. I am one lucky gal.
Happy Valentine’s Day Anton
Love Mellipop xoxoxoxox
posted by Mel @ 6:52 PM
5 Comments:
So thats what I've been doing wrong all this time - giving roses instead of pot plants!
Wow ! You are definitely one lucky girl, Mellipop ! I'm not sure if IG isn't going to leave me after reading this post and comparing it to her own evening !
Although an Aries/Taurus cusp, I didn't listen to my practical nature like Anton did, opting instead for (short-stemmed) roses in a box. Instead of the far more appealing present of chocolate (family blocks of Cadbury too ... only the best for the Mellipop household), I made the tragic faux-pas of choosing a Bodyshop basket incorporating Massage Oil, scented shower gel & soap ... no doubt giving IG a complex about being stinky and having a bad back.
Finally, when it comes to dinner I didn't even make my girlfriend any Burritos ... oh no ... this neglectful partner let HER fork out for the assorted Sushi selection from 'Love Me Sushi' in Bondi, as well as the ice-cream and soft-drinks for making spiders to wash the sushi down with.
I ignored the opportunity to watch TV with IG as we shared dinner, instead insisting we eat and chat by poxy candle-light even though I'm sure she'd put the candles out only for that moment when a normal person would have engaged in the 'what do we watch' discussion.
To top it all off, I even nixed the later opportunity to watch Buffy on video in her bedroom, instead insisting the poor girl lie down and let me wilfully massage her using the oil, before proceeding to other types of bodily contact !
All in all, I think I must be a terrible partner ... and hopefully, if she doesn't leave me right here and now, I can take a leaf out of Anton's book of lurve for next year :)
Rub it in why don't you DB. It's the thought that counts Mel; he got you something to torture, chocolate and cooked you dinner. Sounds alright to me ;)
What did you get Anton?
Anton got a jar of hard boiled boutique candy with messages like “I Love You” and “My Sweetheart” written inside and with little roses and love hearts on them.
Plus an ill-fated remedial neck massage using liquid soap from a pump dispenser, because we didn’t have any massage oil. His neck was much worse the following day.
He also enjoyed the pleasure of my company and was the welcome recipient of my undivided attention for the evening. It’s all that any man could ever wish for.
Anton got a jar of hard boiled boutique candy with messages like “I Love You” and “My Sweetheart” written inside and with little roses and love hearts on them.
Plus an ill-fated remedial neck massage using liquid soap from a pump dispenser, because we didn’t have any massage oil. His neck was much worse the following day.
He also enjoyed the pleasure of my company and was the welcome recipient of my undivided attention for the evening. It’s all that any man could ever wish for.
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