THINGS I LEARNT IN MY MISSPENT YOUTH

Ok, so when I was a kid my name when I used to play dress-ups was Susan, which I thought was very adult and sophisticated. Susan looked a lot like Agnetha from ABBA and I think she used to smoke. Her husband was called Steven.

I don’t much like the name Steven now. I dated one once. Well, OK, it was more serious than that. We lived together for 18 months. He was a homeless unemployed drug addict when I met him. My parents thought he was JUST GREAT! So did all my friends, who were thrilled that I had landed myself such A GOOD CATCH.

Last time I saw him he was just another unemployed junkie with rotting teeth. Last time I heard from him was when he rang my mother’s place looking for me because he had just been beaten up and had a broken jaw. Presumably he had no money and nowhere to stay. I didn’t return his call.

If I were to play dress-ups now, my name would be Audrey and I would look like a young Deborah Harry. Audrey would stay away from homeless drug addicts and NOT try to save them. She knows better now.