THE STAFFY & THE DIRTY TAMPON

***** Dedicated to Graham ******

OK to those of you who have already heard this story before, I apologise. But it’s another painfully eventless day in the life of Mellipop and so I am forced to trawl through the mental archives for something novel to deliver.

So anyway, I’ve never formally introduced the third member of my little Freo family, but I have mentioned her in other contexts before - usually those to do with her eating various household items or destroying some new piece of furniture. Her name is Comanche and she is our 18 month old Staffordshire Bull Terrier.

To those of you unacquainted with the nuances of the dog breeding world, Staffys are not a breed renowned for their intelligence. In fact, one might say that they are the perfect combination of brawn and stupidity. Our little angel is no exception.

Just before we go any further I will warn you to put down whatever you are eating. Just in case.

Manche really loves eating things that aren’t meant to be eaten. She even ate a bottle of something called “No-Bite” which we bought to spray on things we didn’t want her to chew - she munched on the bottle and drank the contents.

The condensed CV of Comanche Cuisine includes: the iron, a briefcase, television cabinets, countless books and CDs, wooden balustrading, outdoor furniture, a mantelpiece/fireplace, a tall lampshade from IKEA, mops and brooms, the sofa bed mattress, sprinkler heads, slippers, Foxtel remote controls (x 2), cockroach baits, cat poo, a whole family-sized block of chocolate (which is like speed for dogs and is highly toxic), a rancid stick of csabai (Hungarian salami), skirting boards and dirty tampons.

Yes, dirty tampons. Anton and I have come home on more than one occasion to see that our darling little Manche has gotten into the bin and has a fine old time with some USED pads and tampons, scattered in little pieces all over the floor throughout the house. And yes, it is as gross as it sounds…. The last thing you want to do when you get home from work is go on The Shredded Tampon Treasure Hunt picking up tiny little pieces of blood-soaked sanitary products from all over the place.

But wait...there's more! An even more repulsive sequel....

PART TWO: THE TAMPON STRIKES BACK

So I’m out walking Manche one day, down at the busy doggie-park in Leichhardt back in Sydney, a day just like any other. Having sniffed around for a while, and belted a few of the other dogs around, she squats into position and settles herself to aah…defecate.

So I’m standing there with my little doggie-doo bag poised to swoop down on some warm Staffy poo, waiting idly for her to finish up and move on. However this time, she seemed to be having some difficulties – how can I say this – “expelling” the poo from her bum-hole. And it was a really, really long, narrow poo that hung down to the ground, but it wasn’t coming right out!

And I’m totally spellbound by this really long poo and I’m watching her try to push and shake it out, with no success. It’s swinging like a pendulum and I’m getting embarrassed for her because she is walking around with it hanging out her arse like it’s a smelly second tail.

I didn’t know what to do. The precious thing is still trying to squeeze the darn thing out and there’s no way I’m going to be the laughing stock of the park, so I start chasing her around, trying to pull it out of her bum (with the plastic bag over my hand, of course!).

But this only scares her and so she keeps running away from me at the same time that I am trying to pull it out for her in a lame attempt to be helpful, but she doesn't understand and she's giving me this impatient look as if to say "can you leave me the heck alone for a sec while I take care of this". Picture me at the park, chasing my dog around and grabbing at her ass for a really long piece of poo….. Charming.

Eventually she manages to squeeze it out so I go over to clean it up, with much relief. As I pick it up, I realize that it has an unusually coarse, stringy texture and so I go in for a closer look. Turns out, it’s a long piece of cotton she has unraveled from one of the tampons she must have ripped apart and eaten, but it has come out the other end fully coated in poo. I mean, the darn thing must have been about 20 cm long. And it’s obviously gone right through her doggy digestive system without being broken down in the process (it’s the cellulose, I guess).

So there you go. It was quite funny, really. Bloody tampons and poo. Hope you’re not too squeamish.

Sorry Graham... ;)