FUCK FAKE POCKETS
Ok, so here’s one for the ladies - as opposed to my previous post about dirty tampons and dog poo, a theme with an undoubtedly universal appeal.
Anyway, you will all thank me for this ladies but I’ve cracked the Fake Pocket Conspiracy. It came to me in a flash of blinding insight this morning when I realised that the conspiracy to design women’s clothing with faux-pockets is a capitalist rather than a patriarchal one.
But before I elaborate, let’s take a few steps back as to better reveal the trail of genius involved. See, it all started when I headed off to the ladies loos this morning. It so happened that I also needed to attend to what I will discretely refer to as “women’s issues” or - put more colourfully for the brave - I needed to “pull the plug out”.
Now it’s one thing to walk around the office with coffee mug or manila folder in hand, but yet another to walk around swinging a tampon from a sassily-cocked wrist. So I am by necessity forced into covert behaviour, tampon concealed in tightly-clenched fist, praying that I don’t happen to bump into anyone I need to shake hands with on my way through the office or that someone doesn’t hand me another file on my way through. Note to designers of femme coture: THIS IS JUST ONE INSTANCE IN THE COMPLEX LIVES OF MODERN WOMEN WHERE HAVING A POCKET COMES IN HANDY.
A real pocket. Not a seam sewn into the fabric that promises a pocket yet delivers only disappointment and frustration. The pants I wore today fell somewhere in-between like some weird hermaphroditic third cousin of the faux-pocket and the real pocket, which is essentially a pocket no more than an inch deep. Thankfully deep enough to conceal a regular tampon tucked in horizontally, but not quite enough to fully reassure me that it was still going to be in there at the end of my hike to the loos.
This is entirely unacceptable and I really cannot fathom just why women put up with it because you know what happens when you take our pockets away from us? WE HAVE TO BUY OTHER SHIT TO CARRY ALL OUR SHIT AROUND IN!
How many blokes do you see walking around with the ill-fated Man-Bag? Not a single self-respecting one of them! Though I did see this guy standing on the train the other day, carrying a well-stuffed pink handbag. I stared at him rather quizzically until I realized he was carrying it for his comfortably seated wife. That’s class. That's the way it should be!
Anyway my point is – boys get all the pockets. They can get their bloody wallets in there, mobile phones, iPods, car keys, condoms, a pack of fags and a lighter - you name it. Fully self-contained.
The question is, why do us chicks get lumped with fake pockets instead of the real thing. See, I used to think that it was all about the patriarchy. Women as ornamental beings rather than functional ones. And women as sexual objects ie a woman with a wallet in her back pocket denies the fundamental sexual right of the man to get an unfettered view of the divine curvature of her arse. And side pockets interfere with man’s appraisal of a woman’s suitability for breeding by artificially inflating the appearance of her childbearing hips. And so on and so forth.
I mean sure, that all sounds absolutely stone-cold reasonable. But there's more at work here than simple sexual objectification.
You see, it's really actually a Capitalist Conspiracy, comrades. If they don’t give us pockets we have to buy handbags, bumbags, purses, crappy little crocheted mobile phone bags and Libra Fleur brightly-coloured tampon purse packs so we can DISCRETELY conceal the fact we’re carrying tampons around the office. Though we might as well be walking around with red crosses daubed on our foreheads with menstrual blood and a sign hanging around our necks reading "Beware: Dirty Breeder in Heat - This Message Proudly Brought to You by Libra Fleur" for all the discretion a fluoro-pink box with big yellow polka dots implies….. Fuck all this shit. JUST GIVE US BACK OUR GODDAMN POCKETS.
And I'll lay off on the tampon thing now, promise. Don't want to lose my bloke demographic ;) Stay tuned for boobs on Mellipop. Boobs and V8s. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr........
posted by Mel @ 7:55 PM
9 Comments:
I know what you mean about the pocket dilemma, but my handbag, has at times proved worse than a fake pocket. It has led to tampons jumping out onto unsuspecting sales people when I reach for my purse.
I'm not sure what to do in that situation.. whether it's best to ignore it as if it didn't happen, or if I should laugh and say where did that come from, or if I should pick it up as if it was loose change.
"To cover up for my complete lack of literary talent and imagination, I usually jazz up my writing using obscenity and gratuitous sexual references for cheap laughs and shock value. Sorry to disappoint you folks, but Mellipop’s got her best church shoes on this time around…"
Well that didn't last long...
- Nicholas
You've certainly addressed why there is a situation in women's clothing. I came across this problem buying track pants to play soccer in. As a minimum I wanted a pocket I could put my car keys in that would close up to hold them safely. I suspect I ended up buying my winter track pants from the men's section - zip up pockets a plenty there. Admitedly they aren't the sexiest* track pants because of the resulting bulk you get from having decent pockets, but they are practical when running about in winter with a snotty nose kicking a ball about. My Summer 3/4 trackies are definitely women's, and I adapted them by sewing in some velcro to keep the pockets closed.
*I like to retain some femininity when playing soccer in snug tops and not hide my curves under loose clothing.
I hate to burst your bubble dear Mellie, but I'm afraid the faux-pockets aren't the result of either a patriarchal conspiracy, nor a capitalist one. They are in fact a result of tailoring, as my mother has pointed out to me on numerous occasions whenever I've complained about some of my suit jackets suffering the same problem, as well as a pair of shorts I bought last week. These shorts, like your pants and some of my suit jackets, have the annoying shallow-pseudo pockets, with the opening sewed shut by a few threads to prevent the insertion of hands, tampons and other fun objects. The easy solution is of course to snip offending threads, and the pockets become somewhat useable.
But why have the threads in the first place ? Because some (anally retentive) people think having pockets into which you can actually place things spoils the 'line' of the item of clothing in question ... if you can't put things in, and the pockets are sewed shut so that they can never gape open, the sanctity of the clothings clean line is preserved.
This is the same reason why SOME clothing has completely faux pockets - the pocket 'effect' is necessary to preserve the 'traditional' / corporate look of the clothing, but once again the designers figure ACTUAL pockets would spoil the line of the outfit. Personally I think it's stupid - but hey, fashion designers are all eccentric, French homosexuals, so what can you expect ;P
Can't you just stuff it down your bra like my auntie does with her hanky? That's always a good look.
Mark
www.papertrap.net
Yeah but women's clothing has more fake pockets than men's. (Disappearing Boy) You've only ever come across the fake pocket on suits because that seems to be the only apparel that men would care about looking tailored, with a nice line. Not all men care about this slim, pocketless look, and neither do all women. Though I must confess Mel, I've taken to carrying my wallet and phone in a separate bag in order to avoid the bulk, discomfort when sitting and strange bulges one gets from stuffing pockets, and to keep my mobile phone away from my body. I do it mostly for vanity because pockets full of stuff make me look bottom heavy and like many women I'm conscious of this. I like to have at least one pocket for my tissues, keys or lip balm, and that isn't much too ask nor does it spoil the line of the garment if it's made well.
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