MAGNATES FOR MELLIPOP

Ok, so I’m putting the word out on the street that I’m in the market for a rich patron. Someone who will put their lavishly bejewelled hand up to subsidise my creative lifestyle so I don’t have to work full-time and can subsequently spend every minute of every day being a fabulous writer. And, as many of you will well know, a writer does not just write. A writer must LIVE.

However, having said that, a writer cannot live in a vacuum. A 50-hour-a-week-working-for-the-man vacuum. Otherwise, said writer will end up with nought but a series of boring work-related anecdotes which are as tedious to read as they are to live. As you can all testify to of late, in many cases they simply do not get written at all. And that makes everybody sad.

So, if anybody knows of any Moguls, Magnates or Millionaires, be sure to forward my URL and the promise that they will be forever inextricably linked to my hipster-genius by association, and that the world will no doubt thank them for their kind-hearted philanthropy as an esteemed patron of the fine arts. And that I myself, will write the text for their commemorative plaque.

The following is an excerpt from my Press Release, and will be an important selling point when approaching your leads:

“Like the Ancient Greeks and the Generous Merchants of the Renaissance, you too can forever live on in the history books as A MAN (OR WOMAN) OF CULTURE & SOPHISTICATION. For the equivalent of a few gold coins a year, a couple of lunches with John Laws or the budget set aside for your weekly botox shots, you too can join the ranks of the IMMORTALS.

As patron of the young artist Mellipop, by association alone you will suddenly be flooded with invites from all the hottest young socialites in town. Plus get INSTANT CREDIBILITY with all those pretentious holier-than-thou artist/writer Culture Fascists who look down on you for being the sell-out capitalist elite even though you earn more cold hards in one hour than they do in an entire year. Dirty ferals.

All this could be yours for just $1000 a week……”

However, be sure to assure them that this “Patronage” also comes with the iron-clad disclaimer that my services are purely artistic – there will only be words, not ahem… deeds. Though if they are extravagantly generous with their funding, suggest to them that I may be persuaded churn out some Mellipop XXX-rated erotic fiction. Maybe….

I will speak to my financial “people” to confirm, but I am almost certain that anyone sophisticated, handsome and benevolent enough to support my “ART” will no doubt also receive hefty tax deductions for their time and effort. As a complimentary service, I will also write school essays for your children and will complete any assignments that require narrative fiction or poetry to be written - though I cannot guarantee “A” grades, I will do my very, very goodest.

All in all, it’s a pretty good deal, I reckon. Cash for Culture. Commemorative plaques. Your place in history. And school assignments.

MELLIPOP WEIGHT CHALLENGE UPDATE: Ok, so I'm still 59 kilos. But I did in fact go up to 60 kg and then came back down to 59 kilos, so officially I have lost one kilogram..... Freakin' jam donuts. I mean, honestly... 4 fresh jam donuts for only $3! I'd be crazy NOT to!!!

MELLIPOP WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE DISCLAIMER: I promise that you, my fine friends, will hear the awful truth. There will be no dodging blogger bullets by wimping out and not posting.