SEE MUM, I AM A LEGITIMATE WRITER

Mum - Make sure you go and buy a copy of the new Nature & Health magazine and display it casually yet deliberately on the coffee table at home. Get rid of that stack of New Idea magazines. I can't compete with those.

The current Nature & Health has New World's free CD on the front and 8 whole pages of feature editorial (paid for with real currency) by your clever little Mellipop. No swearing in that one so you can show it off to all your friends and brag about what genius offspring you gave birth to. Just don't tell them I've been unemployed for the last eight months...

I think you get a mention somewhere in there too. Something about the way you used to lock us kids in the closet for hours every afternoon while you took a three hour bath then entertained a series of "men friends" from the neighbourhood. Ha ha I'M KIDDING DAD - Please don't disown me...