A CONSUMER, SCORNED

OK, so the story of my break-up with Macleans is a sad one. Let this story stand as a cautionary tale to those of you who still have faith in the honesty of advertising and marketing messages - and I know that’s ALL of you ;)

It was during a Saturday afternoon shopping trip, that I caved in to thousands of dollars worth of saturation advertising and invested $40 in a packet of Macleans Tooth Whitening Strips. I knew that the girl on the box had had her unnaturally white teeth airbrushed in Quark by the graphic designer (plus her crows feet for good measure) but I was seduced by the lure of their “up to 5 shades whiter in 2 weeks” promise. It all seemed so easy….

To cut a long story short – the fucking things did not work for me at all and I was one disgruntled consumer. Throwing off the shackles of a lifetime of inertia, for the first time ever I decided to pen a complaint letter and promptly sent it off to the Orwellian-titled “Feedback Department”, as befitting the rights and responsibilities of vigilant consumers everywhere.

The following is an extract from said letter:

“I might have well just thrown my $40 straight in the bin or have written a cheque and posted it off to you directly, without all the hassle of having to spend an hour a day walking around with those silly strips in my mouth….”

Then, I delivered the killer blow. A kick in the brand.

“Unfortunately I can’t say it inspires the confidence to purchase any future products with your brand on it either….”

To my disgust and dismay, my creatively written complant letter received a generic, form letter reply that failed to respond directly to any of the points I raised, thanked me for my comments and fobbed me off with the promise that they would pass my feedback on to the Marketing Manager,

Don’t give me that freakin’ bullshit. I was a Marketing Manager myself you know! I know exactly what happens to letters like that. They get laughed at, passed around the office (depending on their level of unintentional hilarity or illiteracy) and BINNED! Real and lasting change is NOT ACHIEVED!

And, as Marketing Manager – I ALWAYS SENT OUT FREE STUFF! If Macleans had simply sent me a free stinkin’ tube of toothpaste and maybe a new toothbrush I would have continued to use their shitty products without further complaint, and so would my future kin (Yeah – us Marketing Managers understand the basic principles of brand awareness and loyalty).

Instead, they chose to communicate the message that my continued patronage was NOT WORTH the FEW STINKING DOLLARS it would have cost to send me a placating parcel of cost-price goodies as a rather simple exercise in restoring goodwill.

And so now I exercise my right as an individual consumer NOT to purchase anything under the Macleans brand!

Vive la revolution!